I love my sister. She is the most grounded and centered person I know, and she takes immaculate care of her skin.
When it comes to skincare, she reads every ingredient on the label. Her serum, sunscreen and moisturizer need to be organic if she’s going to buy them. She will spend all the energy it takes to find these products and assure they meet her criteria. It’s a priority.
We see each other about once a year. For years, every time I saw her, I was so taken with her confidence in her skincare routine that I inevitably got on board. Every. Time. I’d be convinced that I simply HAD to follow a specific step by step regime. When I got home, I’d use the products because they were sitting in my bathroom, but never bought them again.
It puzzled me for years why I didn’t stay the course. Why couldn’t I have more dedication to these practices that are so clearly “better”? She acts with such conviction, so surely this must be the best way, right?
The answer is simple: these weren’t MY practices. They weren’t based on my beliefs, my values, my knowledge of the world and what I consider to be true. These practices didn’t belong to me.
When we look out into the world for guidance, what attracts us isn’t what others are specifically doing, buying, or even believing. What attracts us is their conviction. This is the right way, the best way, the only true way. That level of clarity is intoxicating.
How many times have you heard a friend tell you about their latest mindfulness practice, productivity hack, sleep routine, eating plan or the like and found yourself suddenly excited to get into it? How long did you stay with it? If it didn’t ring true to you and resonate with your lived experience, intuition, and instinct, you probably didn’t last long.
It’s easy to make a habit of looking outside ourselves for advice, guidance, the next step. We all want to feel better about our decisions—and we deserve to feel good! When we consistently look outside of ourselves instead of making decisions based on our own truth, however, we start to lose touch with who we are and what works best for us.
This is the magic of coaching relationships: there’s no advice. It can be incredibly frustrating to hear your coach say “I won’t tell you what to do” when you’re desperate for direction. But when we lost the habit of making decisions based on our own internal guidance, the process of getting back in touch with ourselves IS the work. And boy, does it feel good.
Imagine this: you’re in a group chat with friends and everyone is talking about how they’re going to start a new “lifestyle change” in the new year. Paleo this, gluten-free that—we all know the narrative. In the past, you might have been swayed, considering how it would be good for you to “clean up” your diet after the holiday season.
But then you remember who you are. You know that new year’s resolutions don’t work for you and recommit to yourself to do what’s best for you. You disengage with the topic and move along with your bad self.
The more we make decisions based on our own experiences, beliefs, and instincts, we demonstrate to ourselves that we will show up. No one is a better expert on you than you. When we stop and give ourselves a chance to really listen, we know what is and isn’t for us. With a little practice, we can ride out moments where we swayed by others, pivot back to ourselves, and truly own our own lives.
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