My daughter’s dad was here today to pick her up for the afternoon. As she got ready to go upstairs, I talked to him in the kitchen about some changes I’m planning on making, mostly boundaries around certain behaviors I’ve noticed aren’t working between her and I. She came down and flopped down in my lap saying she felt tired.
I’ve heard that when kids (and adults) say they’re tired when they’re really feeling sad or having other big feelings they’re not sure how to handle. This came to mind when she told me this and I whispered to her “do you need to talk?” She immediately led me upstairs where we could talk privately.
We laid face to face in her bed and I asked her what was going on. She wanted to know what her dad and I were talking about while she was away and I told her. She had apparently heard the word “fat” (something to keep in mind for the future—I don’t use that word outside of an explanatory context). After clearing the air and putting everything out there, I asked her the two magic questions I needed to hear as a child:
1. How are you feeling?
2. What do you need?
I’ve learned the power of these questions on my road to recovering from emotional abuse. The profound loss of self the abused feel when overpowered by an overwhelming personality leads us to literally lose a sense of who we are as humans. When we ask ourselves how we feel and what we need, we’re pointing to the fact that we do, in fact, exist as an individual with specific wants and needs. And yes, we do have needs.
Being able to turn these powerful questions to my daughter makes me so proud of myself. These are quite possibly the most direct ways of validating the person she is, just as she is. I love it when I can send her the messages I needed to hear as a girl: you matter, I see you, all your feelings are okay with me, your needs are real. Every time I manage this, I know I’m building her trust in me and helping her recognize her intrinsic self-worth.
What’s equally transformative about this process is the message it sends to my own internal little girl. By enacting what I needed as a child with my own daughter, I’m sealing up those leaks in my self-worth, feeding myself from the inside out with the message that I matter. That’s the kind of next level stuff that I live for. More of that, please.
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